I have heard from my older friends that everything kinda slows down once you reach your mid-20s. I must say that it is starting to dawn on me that my body is changing too. Compared to my teenage years and early 20s, my body looks different. I carry weight differently - physically and emotionally. At 5'7" and about 125 pounds, I am definitely NOT at my prime. I was once 110-115 pounds and I could fit into anything small. I was also once 140 lbs and I couldn't find a dress my size at Ted Baker. The salesgirl said, "Sorry, we don't carry your size here."
Till now, I refuse to shops at places where they do not cater bigger sizes even though I am no longer as big now. Well, don't want my money? Then fuck you.
Now I have the hips, like as if my body is preparing me for motherhood, and I need to worry about fitting into some dresses. Child-bearing hips? I really can do without this. I am trying to accept it, but it has not been easy. I have been eating really healthily because I know I have to drink quite a lot, but it's not easy to do this. It is much easier to just be "normal", gain weight, and blame it on metabolism and etc, but I am not able to live with myself if I completely let go of my discipline.
How I view men and how they view me are different too. In the past, I was more carefree about life. With very few responsibilities. Romantically, all I wanted was to have a boyfriend to share my ups and downs with. I could meet someone, fall in love, and hurt myself in the process. Now I am more careful, guarded, and I am more discerning about who I want to get closer with. As a result of that, my friends think that I am a changed person. Of course I've changed - how can a 26 year old woman still behave like she's 18? A lot of things have happened in between those years.
I had many crazy theories in the past. I have dated hundreds of men in my single life. Went on to second dates with probably a hundred. Kissed maybe 50-80 people. I can't remember most of their names. Some became friends, some became lovers, but only a few meant something to me. I can't imagine some women who only dated less than 10 men in their lives, and still found love in the process.
It's been about 3 months since I last had a boyfriend - and I still went on dates after the break up with probably 4 men. None of them really stirred anything within me. It'd be easy if I don't care about the person I am with, but I can't settle for just anyone who wants to be with me. I can't settle for someone who thinks that he can buy my affection or me. I can't be with someone who does not view me as a person.
I'm looking for something more, something profound but I am pretty sure a lot of men are just looking for fun. In the past, I was like that too - wasn't looking for things too seriously, and some men really was looking for something true. Timing is so important.
Yeah, my head wasn't in the right place then.
My idea of love has changed too. I don't think it's black or white anymore. I am not quite sure if I believe in it as much as I used to. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it makes me the prime target for people to just take it, and crush it to bits. I'm there, licking my own wounds at the end of the day.
"Actions always prove why words mean nothing."
If the person really likes me, he's gonna have to show it. If they just give up, or feel intimidated, or say things like "I am sure other men are chasing after you too.", then you're not the kind of man I want. If you want it, come get it. What's with all the insecurity? Make time for me. Make me feel special. Be there. Look at me in the eyes and kiss me.
Don't ask me if you could kiss me.
I've kissed many men. I am never going to be brand new. But I've kissed very few people in my life who really made me feel the fire. If you could make me cry, it means that you mean so much to me and that you're capable of hurting me so badly. That is when we're going to lose each other. Most men don't fight to keep us going, until it is too late and then they'd regret it.
I could love you so hard, that you'd take me for granted. That's how it normally goes. I want that ever-consuming love. I want to be surprised. I am not a math problem that you think you could solve in a few steps. I am not like everyone else. I am not a toy.