To begin with, this week had been quite messed up, health-wise. For the women out there, you'd know how this feels like - UTI, short for Urinary Tract Infection. Peeing becomes a painful chore, and it fucking hurts. The doctor gave me some medicines that turned my piss bright orange (pretty cool, I must say) but yeah, this should clear up within the next 2 days. Meanwhile, he gave me a day off from work today. Which explained why I decided to sleep pretty late last night at 4am... because I can.
We get to enjoy one month of free trial on Netflix in Singapore since it just got recently launched.
And nope, most of the shows available in the US, aren't listed on our platform. Fuck this shit; I ain't renewing! However, I did have fun re-watching "What Happens in Vegas" last night. Ashton Kutcher looked incredibly hot in the movie, and so did Cameron Diaz. The movie got me thinking about a lot of things, mainly to do with work and love etc.
Two days ago, my bf and I celebrated our first month together and I remember he told me that we need not celebrate it (because we were talking about special occasions). So I regarded that day as a normal day. In fact, I even scheduled an evening meeting with a client too! No wishes, nothing. He asked if I'd like to have coffee before the meeting, which I said yes to... because why not. Coffee is always good.
When he came to the cafe (I didn't notice him), he kissed me on my neck from the back and said, "Babe, happy first month anniversary!" I was like, "No waiiii, you said we wouldn't need to celebrateee! Happy happy first month!
He went, "How can I not do something special for our first month together! You'd probably never let it off ever if I don't do anything, too!"
Me: "For god's sakes, I don't even remember... and I'm the girl. And... I am so sorry!"
The coffee break lasted for 45 mins before I had to finish my latte, to rush for my meeting nearby. Good thing that the client was hungover from his heavy nights before, so it didn't end too late. Managed to grab a cab to my bf's place by 9pm, and he actually prepared a nice dinner of ribs and melon with parma ham, and a bottle of Prosecco for us. I was moved and it really made me feel so happy and loved.
I stayed home last night since I was not feeling well, so had a lot of time to think about my life and whatnot. Wrote a letter about love, hoping to give it to him during Valentine's. While writing it, I was in tears. It wasn't easy to write something like that. Many times when I write stuff, I do get very involved emotionally... especially when talking about things very close to the heart. One of my biggest fears, is to be brokenhearted again. I've been hurt so many times, I can't even count the exact times.
Even in relationships, you can still be broken. People can still treat you like shit, even if they claim that they love you. After some time, sorry loses its meaning too. I know how that really feels like. I take love seriously... and when I feel like I am being taken for granted, or when they hurt me intentionally, it hurts really badly. I remember being in relationships where I was being looked down upon, just by the easy remark that they told me, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" I think that might be one of the hardest things that I heard before from someone who claimed that they loved me.
Other notable hurtful examples:
"What, you're gonna break up with me? Go ahead. Go on."
"I could have any woman in the world, ANY WOMAN, but I am with you. That should tell you how committed I am to you."
"I can't kiss you. My boss might see us and it would not be appropriate."
"I want to be there to comfort you. I am not going to hurt you. Trust me." Before he disappeared on me, after 4 months of us being together.
"I don't care - you cheated on me. I don't want your lips or their lips anywhere on you, be it a woman, a dog, a baby, a cat. Whatever! This is fucked up." Yep... that was my ex who accused me of cheating on him, when a drunk girl kissed me on my lips and I told him about it. And yep, the one who hid the truth about him being married before, and I asked him if he was and he said he never was married!! Fuck!
It is kinda weird. I am reminded of my past so much when I talk about love. It's mostly because I am so guarded, and so afraid of love. It takes courage to try again. At this point, I don't know how I am still pushing on, still believing in it. It is so hard to do it, too. But I am going to risk it all again. I don't know how it is going to end up. A part of me is always ready for shit to happen.. because why not, shit always happened in the past. But a bigger part of me is actually more optimistic. I can't let my fears control the better part of me. I can't let my fear of getting hurt, stop me from trusting a person who is trying his best to make me happy.
I am still afraid. I don't think people go through their life without any baggage.
And I've got a lot of baggage.