As I took a few days, to just lock myself in the room aside from going out to buy food out of necessity, I had a lot of time to think about my life and how I chose to live it. Some awesome moves, a wrong turn here and there, but it all boils down to one thing - not knowing when to shut up. Honesty is not always the best policy and in my attempt to be authentic, I forget that not everyone wants to see you as who you are. Some would rather you stay the way they want you to seem to be in their imagination. No fuss, no muss. Pristine, innocent, virginal, inexperienced and naive. And I'd like to think that I am nothing like that, it'd be a fucking insult if anyone thinks of me as that.
Still, nobody really wants to know anyone that well. I should learn that by now. It's too real, too much, too ugly.
*
A man I had a crush on, told me over a smoke, "You're like an open book. What you see is what you get."
I merely shook my head and said, "Oh no... you don't know me if you think that way. Sort of. I'm... complex. Like onions. Layers."
"Ah, yes. But you speak your mind too. And it's great."
"Is it?"
Is it really? I better learn to hold myself back. Not everyone wants to know you for what it's worth. It's too messy, it's too fucked up. Deep down, of course I hope to meet the person who can accept me the way I am... but if I am having a hard time accepting me for my flaws, then I suppose it's not any easier for others to do the same too.
We always believe the bad reviews more than the good ones.
And we are our worst critics.
I wonder when I will finally figure the layers of my onion self out. Is it better to be an open book, or a fucking onion?
xxx
On a lighter note, HURRAH, Singapore has finally brought in Sprite ZERO! Thank you, thank you to the fat cats of the world for not subjecting me to a life of just Diet Coke as an alternative here! This ain't the States; we barely have anything tasty that is guilt-free!! This is one good thing that I've just discovered this week - and zero calories!
