nosugarjustanger

Man, I have been a dA member for over 15 years! Granted, not all the years have been super active, but it's been a great time nevertheless. I have made some great friendships, acquaintances, and memories too. I have even met some deviants in person along the way, in Australia, The Netherland, Belgium and Singapore! As a teenager and a young adult, I had made plenty of mistakes but right now thinking back as a 30-year-old, I can look back at those years and sort of tell myself, "What the fuck?" Of course, we all have our regrets, and shit that we wish we could take back. I think that's normal for most of us, flawed beings. 

This year has been an overall shit year. Jan 2019, my longtime boyfriend and love of my life, V, was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM), a primary brain Stage 4 cancer. The average lifespan upon diagnosis, is about 14-18 months. Such is the aggressiveness of GBM. He was only 31 when he was diagnosed... We were both so shocked, so taken aback. I had to deal with anticipatory grief, and just a mess emotionally, physically and mentally, to be honest. It was a depressing cloud the whole time. Our lives took a huge turn. 

However, we got married this year on 1st May. Had a small intimate wedding of 50 for lunch, and just 7 of us for a steak dinner with champagne. Even though I was told by a few fuckers in my life to leave him, to start anew, to find someone "healthy", they can basically fuck off and get wrecked by a truck. (Of course, we are no longer friends lol). 

I feel like this year, it's been one challenge after another. Sept 2019, I handed my resignation letter for my job that I had been excelling at, to focus on moving to Sweden, and to help my love with moving to his home country to seek better treatment. I didn't realize that moving to Sweden itself is gonna be such a challenge. To apply for a resident's visa, it requires 12 months of decision and waiting time with no visitations in between.   If I go there on a long term tourist visa, I won't be able to work or do anything and that's more like a 1-year visa. That's not good enough for me. I want to be with him. Life in Singapore, is great for me. But what's the purpose of that, without the person that I love with all my heart and soul?

So my solution now, after discussing all options, is to apply for Autumn 2020 for a second university degree, to get a student visa + apply for jobs that are looking for English speaking candidates in Sweden. Maybe I get lucky? I will only know the result of the university application in April 2020. I mean, I already have an existing Bachelor's Degree but I thought, maybe this is my life. Maybe this is a chance for me to change my life. It's not like I am so fucking happy or fulfilled by my job... so maybe this time, I'll study for something I am passionate about? I can work for communities/NGO's and help others perhaps, and work on life's fulfillment instead of just hedonism. I mean, I am a self-proclaimed hedonist, but even then the meaning of happiness has changed for me.

And no, not keen to go for a Master's Degree as I want to deviate from business/marketing and maybe dive deeper into the community, social work or peacemaking in general. Who knows what career will come out of it, but I know that with health, perseverance and a positive attitude, jobs will always be there and I have never been afraid of a challenge in general. So yes!! That being said, it's going to be so fucking expensive to do this. As a non-European, I would have to pay full fees for my studies, but I guess money can be earned. Whatever I saved in the past, I thought I was going to use it for my future children, my own home, investment... adult shit like that, but hey, I guess life has its plans for me. 

I am going all in. V deserves it. I am so glad to have some savings to even consider a student visa route to get myself to Sweden. I can't stress the importance of saving in general. Without some savings, I can't even imagine what I can do, to get myself to Sweden. Nevertheless, I am optimistic that I'd get into one of the programs at Malmö University if I don't get a job by April.

Just a couple of days ago, my friends and I completed the full marathon, the whole 42.195km at Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon 2019 event. It brings me so much joy and a sense of completion to the kind of person that I have become. It was painful and challenging, but WE DID IT. I look back at my younger self, and I look at myself now in the mirror, and I study every wrinkle, every line, and my facial expressions, and I can say that I am proud to be who I am now, I recognize my strength, and I appreciate the life that I am given thus far. I do not yearn for my youth nor anything else. I am here, I accept myself as I am, and I feel whole.

I feel like my life is a journey, it's not a planned itinerary as I just realized early this year, and while I wish that my husband and I would have the typical marriage, but the brain cancer has awakened that hunger for life, an acute realization of what's important, and pure honesty in our lives. I have surrendered to the fact that I will lose him one day to Death, and we will be apart. But it's not for the lack of trying, and it's nothing to be regretful about. Death will come for us all, but when we are still alive, let's do our best, and give it the best shot. 

I am happy to be alive, and V is still with me. I will see him in person in 2 weeks' time, and hold him close and celebrate the best Christmas ever. I am so proud to be his loving wife, and I feel so fortunate to have experienced true love, like how V has shown me throughout our relationship. We have some great family and friends who have been such a great pillar of strength when times are hard and when we break down, I am glad we didn't break apart completely. We get up, we find solutions and be stronger for it. 

I told myself not to give up while running the marathon... Nothing could be more painful than the idea of losing someone I love... but I also thought, how lucky am I to have been loved, and to love a person this much, to give up literally everything, to be next to each other? If my life and its journey is not about love and how to love, what is it then? What's the purpose?

I am still discovering the true purpose of life, but I guess my whole life is gonna be an exercise of doing things, failing, and getting up back again, even if we're all just a Humpty Dumpty. I will never be the same again, and I will never be who I was in the past. But I will put myself together, I will get myself to the finishing line, and I will do what I say that I would.

Even if my own father said I can't complete a marathon ("because it's so tough and no one has ever done so in our family!", he said).... I simply needed to show him a fucking photo and tell him, "Look, Dad. I did it. The full marathon is possible, it is achievable."  

I'm not gonna give up on myself. Even if I lose everything, including the people I love, Life is not going to get me. Fuck living a fucking mediocre fearful life, I will fight for myself and the ones I love to the end.

I will not go gentle into that good night.

Wishing you guys all the best, and it's gonna be 2020 already. WHERE IS MY FLYING CAR?!



Smiling in pain but my heart felt so full.

Well, I am not a very active member of dA since a few years ago, but the last 5 months, I have been missing, and not even lurking. In my last journal, I mentioned about how I was very excited about turning 30. If only I knew what I had in store for me the next few days after that post was submitted. 

In short, Viktor and I didn't get to go to Japan, in spite of him paying for the whole trip, having saved the money to surprise me and make my dreams come true for my 30th birthday. He had planned to ask me to marry him on that trip.

Instead, we spent weeks and months in agony from mid-January and 2 brain surgeries later to fix his hydrocephalus, caused by the tumours. We found out that V had Grade 3-4 brain cancer, also known as glioblastoma. The doctors had found not just one, but 3 tumours in his brain, located so deep in his brain, and they are not operable. Which left us with just radiotherapy, and chemotherapy. For the last few months, I had been struggling with grief. Grieving the impending loss of my loved one, the loss of our collective hopes and dreams, and many more thoughts came into my mind. 

When we knew about it, I was crushed. We were just celebrating our 3rd year anniversary together as a boyfriend and girlfriend, and we had such a great time as a couple. Like most, we have our ups and downs but we were always working together as a team. I have no experience with cancer in my family, so it was all very new to me. Little did I know that V had many doubts in his mind, if I would agree to be with him, in light with what was happening to his health, so he put off his proposal, until 13th Feb, a day before Valentine's, when he got down on his knees to ask me to marry him, in our bed, and I said yes. 

Only our families and close friends knew of his cancer. Most people only knew he had brain surgeries done, but I didn't feel like the need to post it on social media, as I realised how insensitive people can be about cancer, especially critical ones.

For those who aren't aware, they think they're doing the right things telling us about how they know so-and-so who survived. It's probably the worst part about dealing with cancer - the people around us. What they do not understand, is that the survival rate for glioblastoma patients is very low, and the ones who survived, they were able to remove most of the tumour via surgery. So V and I feel like the best thing to do is to keep it a secret on social media to avoid all these "misguided" hurtful pieces of advice and useless hope-givers. I am writing about it here, because I feel like it's a safe zone where most of the people who know me in RL, do not know me here except for a few of you whom I have met here. And I like to keep it that way. I am much stronger now to deal with the people aspect too, so I am prepared, I think. What doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger.

I am here because I want to express myself and my feelings. There are a lot of things I can choose to write about. A lot of things have changed about me, but at the same time, I am still the same old person, I love Viktor, and I love how we are together. 

On 1st May 2019, we officially got married with 50 of our closest family members and friends attending our solemnisation and wedding. I have officially become a Mrs. There were many sacrifices that were done, the last 5 months, that had tested our love for one another, and our loved ones too. And we love each other. Cancer is not a solitary disease - it affects everyone, physically, emotionally, and financially. However, for that day, we forgot that we were dealing with this disease. We had a wonderful day of so much laughter, and happiness, surrounded by the ones who truly love us.

You would be surprised, at how many people who came to me, to ask me why didn't I leave V when I had the chance, to start anew, rather than to be "stuck" with a man who is dying, who will not be able to take care of me, and who will require everything from me... and to them, I said, "I stay because I want to, because I love Viktor, and if the tables had turned, I know that he would take care of me and not abandon me. I don't leave because I am a human being."

I have so much to say, but I'm just going to wrap this up by saying that the last few months have taught me how wonderful life can be, and how ugly people can be when shit hits the fan. I am crushed that a few people had tried to sway me, to leave V behind... but I am also grateful to know that I have a heart and now I know deeper of the people that truly care about us, and support us through this journey. I count each day as a blessing. 

Some part of this year, I might have to quit my job to move to Sweden if we require further treatment for V, so I should probably figure out what I can do for the next chapter of our lives. I don't really have a clue what I will do, but I am sure we'll figure it out. 

This has been a crazy time... Sometimes I think it's crazy that these things happen, but I also feel like everything happens for a reason. I am glad that Viktor has found me, and that I have found him too. 

Happy New Year to everyone who is still active here!

This is the year that will see me change from a sweet 29 year old woman, to definitely a fabulous, more shameless 30 year old woman!

In fact, I am turning 30 in exactly 32 days this coming 3rd Feb! I am so excited. I know I won't change overnight, but I am happy to turn in my 20's card, and look forward to what Club 30 has to offer.  

For those who follow me on IG, you'd probably notice that I am spending a lot of time on mostly personal improvement stuff like working out, running, cooking, eating, and travelling! I work 9am-6pm on Mondays to Fridays in an office. I limit my social activities to once a week with friends (pre-planned 1-2 weeks in advance - I keep a very organised calendar!), I go to the gym 2x during the week after work. For the other 2 days of the working week, I always look forward to going home and relaxing. I have quit smoking since almost 3 years ago, and I drink probably once a week (!), and that's splitting a bottle of red wine with my boyfriend. Basically, I am turning into a very chill, comfortable creature who would rather be home to read up on restaurants, and travel destinations, than to be outside.

I am a completely different creature from the person that I was in my early 20s.

Some of the things that I've thought of about life, and reflected on, and hoped to express before turning 30 very soon, are the following:


 I have lost count of friends telling me that we will get fat when we are in our late 20s. That is a total lie. You only gain weight if you don't watch what you eat/drink and if you don't move as much as you should, regardless of age.

 Age is just a number, but you will forever be an immature person if you do not learn from your mistakes and learn to take responsibility for your actions. If you're too dependent on someone else to make decisions for you and too afraid to take actions, you will be stuck in that same old life.

 You can blame the world for your failures, but really, no one cares. Not a popular thought, but once you're at an adult age (say 16/18 depending on your country/state), and you don't contribute positively to society, you're basically not going to get the general public sympathy. I have seen children work tirelessly in Indonesia/The Philippines/Cambodia and the likes, to make a living. Able-bodied people with education in a first world country, have absolutely no excuse.

 "You will get your maternal instincts soon!" Nope! At the age of almost-30, I am happy to say that I am fine if I become a mother, and I am also fine if I don't become one. I am still not a woman who coos when she sees babies. My boyfriend and I talk about having 2 children by the time I am 35, but I am honest to him and myself and the public to say that I am a complete person regardless if I have children or not. In fact, I am just worried that I am not able to retire if we have children. But I know that if I become a mother one day, that I will be the best one for them, because I will fiercely protect them, and I will never let them down. I will work hard, and I would rather not eat, than to let them go hungry. That's the kind of person that I am. That said, I won't bring any new life to this world, unless if I know that I can support them financially and emotionally. 

 I hate flakes. Nothing is worse than having friends who are total flakes. Don't invest time on people who don't show up and waste your time. Ditch them. 

 I have been broken-hearted, and I have broken hearts before. I was more forgiving and malleable in my early 20s, and I tried to accept apologies and sorries a lot more than I should. I gave more chances than I should. Looking back, I wish I would not have wasted so much time on people, especially ones with anger issues, and dependency on substance. Why should I be the punching bag? Fuck this.

 I feel like I am more aware of my destiny, right now. I have so much to live for, and I have so many things I want to do. I am my own person. I know, and I truly feel like I am a complete woman. I always come first, and everyone else is next. I don't want anyone to label me as anyone's girlfriend, someone's daughter, or a person's friend, or anyone's anything first. I am me, and then it is my choice to be anyone's anything. It feels rather empowering to say this, but no one else but me gets to decide who I am today, and tomorrow. I won't play second fiddle to anyone. 

 Question everything. Don't take an answer blindly. Challenge it, and even if you can't get what you want, you can always negotiate for better. Don't just settle.

Just a few days ago, my boyfriend surprised me with the news that he's taking me to Japan for my 30th birthday trip. I am not sure what to make of this, but I am happy and excited to be ticking off the top country of my travel bucket list before I turn 30.

This 2019 is kicking off on a fantastic note for me! I hope all of you have lots to look forward to, as well!

4.10am. I couldn't sleep well tonight. I had a slight hangover from half a bottle of red wine (what a joke... is this the sign of aging?!) and I couldn't shake it off. Woke up, took 2 panadols, and drank a bottle of water, hoping for the headache to go away before I attempt to sleep again. Boyfriend's in bed, and probably wondering wtf I am doing right now.

Yesterday, the boss had one of those individual work assessment and evaluation sessions with our team, and he was happy and excited to tell me that I did very well and contributed a lot and as such, I'd get my pay increased this coming paycheck onwards, along with some other things. He shook my hands and thanked me for all the hard work, and asked that I'd give my best for the coming quarters ahead.

"Well, that was nice," I thought. 

So I told him, "I could only give you my best, and I hope that's enough."

He replied, "Of course, of course. Well, that's all!"

I don't know. When you're in a sales role, you're only as good as the numbers that you bring in and that's all I know. I am optimistic, yet I know that stability isn't something I can ever hope for, as the targets will keep on increasing, and one day, it's not going to be something that I can hit... and then I am done for. To compete and being competitive, comes naturally for me in general, but one day, I will get tired too. For how long can a hunter hunt? When will I "settle"? 

But for now, I am quite happy to be recognized at work. I thought I'd probably hit that milestone when I hit my big 3-0 next Feb, so this feels like an advanced Christmas gift.

That's the happy news for the day!

I have an exciting marathon relay race happening later on tonight that my friends and I are excited to go and have been training hard for, so I hope we could all complete it well and finish the race with no injuries. 

Hope you guys are keeping well.